On Zombies, II

Here's an interesting article on the modern fascination with zombies. I should point out that while it is interesting, and I'm certain Stanford University PhD candidate Angela Mercedes Becerra Viderga is a very nice person, she is also completely wrong (see this extraordinarily insightful piece on a similar topic).

Two things I wish to add to my earlier comments about zombies and vampires. The first is an obvious omission I'm a little embarrassed about - I am no longer between 18 and 25 so I am not the target audience for these works. No one gives a shit about whether a 40 year old loser liked her vampire books or not (looking at you here, SM). I feel kind of stupid I didn't think of that earlier.

Second, I watched 28 Weeks Later (2007) last night. It's the sequel to 28 Days Later (2002). It reminded me of the emergence of a new element of horror fiction, the fast zombie. The Internet Movie Data Base (www.imdb.com) lists 1793 films in the "Best Zombie Titles" section so I'm not going to go through them one by one to figure out if 28 Days actually introduced the fast zombie - Angela Mercedes Becerra Viderga would likely know. Technically, the monsters in the 28 Later franchise aren't zombies but humans infected with the "rage virus". Kind of similar to the Resident Evil franchise, also kicked off in 2002 but pre-dated by a video game from 1996. Between these two film franchises a couple of important fixtures of zombie lore were set in stone. Zombies infect you by biting you (I don't know if that was the case before, I think dead people just came back to life - ask Angie V if you really need to know) and zombies get faster and stronger than when they were humans.

These two things, but particularly the fact that zombies can run really fast, completely change the outcome of the films (and the outcome of the zombie apocalypse when it happens). Slow zombies create the need for cooperation. The best survival strategy in the event of a slow zombie attack is to get as many different types of people as possible in your group. Even I could be useful in the event of a slow zombie attack. I know a little bit about a lot of things and, given time to ponder, am a useful thinker. Even old people, first to go in a fast zombie situation, are good to have around in a slow zombie infestation. Parenthetically, I'm getting really bored of typing "slow zombie" and "fast zombie" and then thinking of a synonym for apocalypse - so from now on it's a SZE (slow zombie event) and FZE (fast zombie event). Old people, getting back to my first line of thought, know how things used to be done, before computers and cell phones, which are always lost regardless of the type of zombie. They have a wealth of experience. So in a SZE you want everyone because you never know what problems going to come up against.

In a FZE on the other hand, you only want fast runners. Because everyone else is completely fucked. FZ's are really fast. You need to be between 16 and 25, in perfect shape, no kind of physical impairment, and you should probably be a good swimmer (everyone knows zombies can't swim).

In a way, the difference between SZE and FZE are the differences between the kind of society most of us want and the kind of society most of us have. Most of us, provided we didn't get eaten or have any pre-existing anxiety problems, would actually be happier in a SZE than we are now. No more wondering what our purpose is or why to get out of bed in the morning. Existential doubt and dread gone forever, thanks to the zombies! We would all feel needed, all belong, and, when we had the occasional freak-out (because it's going to happen) we'd have a perfect excuse - who can blame you for losing your shit in the middle of a zombie event?

FZE are inherently fascist. Everyone has to be the same. Young, fit, durable. Boring. And when the zombies attack, it's every person for his or her self. Leave the slowest behind. That's the kind of shit society we already have! At least a FZE would let you know you were dying from some cause other than greed or neglect. How fucking banal. You could have an IQ of 200 and seven different PhDs but when the fast zombies come you better be able to run the hundred in less than 12 seconds or you are useless. Watch some television, look at the people in the ads - would they survive a FZE? Then you are probably being sold a boring as shit monoculture.

So I say bring on the slow zombies! I already have my plan. In case you think I'm being sarcastic - I totally am about bringing on the zombies, what kind of psycho would want that to happen? - I'm not. Planning for a zombie event lets you know what really matters to you. It also makes it painfully apparent I'm paying too much rent. This building is hopeless as a place to survive a SZE.