Punching Famous People in the Face

Almost everyone has a story about seeing a famous person. For example, "I saw George Clooney at the airport!"

And that's it. They aren't stories so much as sentences. Stories have a beginning, a middle, and an end. So you could amend the sentence above to include something amusing about your trip to the airport. Or, if nothing amusing happened (and trips to the airport aren't often occasions for merriment) you could complain about the trip to the airport. Most people like traveling but no one likes traveling to the airport. It's a pretty safe bet you can find some common ground with your audience by bitching about airport parking or some such thing. Then you have a beginning, then you see George Clooney. And that's the middle of the story. Now you need an ending. Ideally, he would befriend you, take you with him to his villa in Como and you could hang around with Don Cheadle and Brad Pitt for a week.

But, if we're honest with ourselves, that's not going to happen. George seems like a very nice guy. He keeps himself out of the tabloids, opposes African debt, is handsome as hell. He still isn't going to invite you to Como. And you already have somewhere to go or you wouldn't be in the airport.

The truth is seeing a celebrity is going to freak you out a little. It's like seeing a ghost, or a transformer, or something else that only exists in the world of make-believe. In the couple of seconds you have a celebrity's attention, you are never going to be able to think of something witty to say or memorable to do. That's why my brother and I adopted the strategy of punching famous people in the face. Yes, it's against the law. Yes, you will probably go to jail. But your story will have an unbeatable ending.

"I was going to the airport and [something about parking]. I walk in the Men's Room and there's George Clooney!" This is the point where most stories would end. Disappointingly. "What happened then?" your friends will ask you. And you can say, "I punched him in the fucking face." Best story ever.

I'm not advocating punching George Clooney in the face, per se. He is just the first famous person I thought of. It could be anyone from Dustin Hoffman to Dame Edna - it will still work as a narrative device and you'll still go to jail.

I have never had the opportunity to see how well this works in practice. The only famous person I have ever seen was Juliette Binoche and that was from across the street. Oh, I saw one of the cast members of the Canadian show The Listener but didn't punch him. This isn't evidence of hypocrisy, I don't even know his name so I didn't tell anyone about seeing him.  

An important note tho - do not punch a female celebrity in the face. That makes a terrible story. Every one will hate you. Not just the people who used to be your friends but the entire world. Only punch male celebrities in the face! I cannot overstate how important that is. If I'm buying something at the grocery store and read Miranda Kerr got punched in the face by someone who says I told him to - I'm going to be pissed.

I haven't thought of an all-encompassingly awesome thing to do to female celebrities. It isn't as easy as you might think. It has to work for everyone from Rihanna to Queen Elizabeth II. There are some things we can rule out. Don't take her picture. That's not cool. It's not a satisfying narrative either. Don't wave your private parts about. For the same reasons.

I'll ponder this problem and get back to you.