There is only one thing interesting about professional darts competitions - the guys with the microphones. I think these guys possess some of the most under appreciated skills out there. A typical darts broadcast has three people commentating. The first handles the call. He says things like, "Davis will be trying for a triple eighteen" and "He can still keep the pressure on with a double nine". This guy has one amazing skill - he can do math in his head better than an engineer at NASA. As you may or may not know, the rules in the most common variation of darts state the winning dart must score either a double or triple. So if it's your turn and you need 97 points (wait a second, this is going to take me a long time to calculate whereas the professional commentator would have solved the problem in less time than it took me to type "97") you will want the most possible chances to score a double (because doubles are larger in area than trebles. So you will aim for treble 19 (19x3=57, 97-57=40), leaving you two tries at double 20. But if you miss the treble 19 you might get 19 or treble 7 or treble 3. The commentator will then solve the resulting math problem almost instantly. So will the player - and this strikes me as something most people don't give professional darts players enough credit for; not only are they good at throwing darts, they are quick with very particular math problems.
The second commentator supplies the colour. This role was best personified by Sid Waddell, click the link for almost ten minutes of his classic bombastic style. He was the uncontested master of the one-liner. People like Waddell are the only reason people like me ever watch darts. I should make it clear I have spent about two hours in my entire life watching darts but when I do it's because of people like Waddell.
The last member of the commentators team is the man who stand next to the board and announces the results of each players' turn. This seems like an easy job. all you have to do is 1) add very quickly, and 2) provide the precise inflection for each announcement. These guys are mostly famous for their various renditions of "one hundred and eighty!" The most common is "ONE hundred and EIGH-TY!" but some announcers scream it, some work up to a crescendo, some go for a more precise and analytic delivery, equal emphasis on each syllable. But that's the easiest part of their jobs. They have to use tremendous discretion for every other score. If a player screws up badly and scores 24 (which is easy enough to do since 20 is bordered by 3 and 1) the announcer can't sound disdainful or try to pretend it didn't happen. And what if someone scores 80, which is not a good turn at the professional level? I have to admit, I'm kind of fascinated by these guys (and they are always guys). They have to be interesting but can never be more interesting than the guys who are competing. A difficult task since professional dart throwers are not known for their charismatic stage presence.
Professional golf, on the other hand, has only one thing going for it - everybody whispers. I have never known why this is. The golfer is lining up a put so obviously the people watching (the ones who are actually there in person) should be quiet but the commentators might be somewhere else on the course or in another state. Still, they whisper. This is very good if you want to take a nap. The person who invented the screen saver that keeps changing between pictures of beautiful scenery must have been a golfer. That's what televised golf is to me, a series of beautiful images of places I can't afford to go accompanied by whispering.
I learned to appreciate golf as a younger man, when I still drank. When you wake up with a crushing headache from a hangover you pray will kill you, televised golf is just the thing. Even the cheers are muted. Golf is as good as non-prescription soporifics get. Anything stronger and you risk becoming an addict.
The crowds at golf tournaments and darts tournaments could not be more different. If they met accidentally, there would be a riot - one the darts fans would win easily. Darts (at the professional level) seems to exist only to provide an excuse for organizing drunkenness. Going to either type of tournament makes zero sense to me. There is no possible way even the front row at a darts match can see what it happening; even the announcer has to lean in to see where the darts hit and the cameras have zoom lenses on them the size of wedding cakes. I've actually been to a professional golf tournament. When I was a kid my Dad took my brother and me to the Canadian open and unless you have a front row seat at one of the greens, you might as well be watching on TV. You can watch the golfer swing but once the ball is hit, it takes off at about 2000 kph. You have no idea where it went, whether it was a good shot or a bad one, so you clap anyway (quietly).
I have to admit no professional sports make any sense to me (except professional wrestling and monster truck rallies). I admire professional athletes for what they are able to do and even more for the dedication it takes for them to get that good at it. Amongst the professional sports I like golf and darts the best because you can (or at least used to be able to) be a fat drunk and still win. There should be more sports where people who are fat can still will. I don't mean fat like sumo wrestlers; that's a kind of professional fatness. I mean regular fat. You should be able to show up with your gut hanging out, wearing an old pair of jeans and a Metallica t-shirt and win a big trophy. I can't think of a single sport where that applies.
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